Community Clairvoyance: your social work horoscopes for September

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

The “grand fromages” have chosen you to pilot a computer system. Ready yourself for a month of crashes, lost files, enraged clients, mocking colleagues. Bring back box files.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

Far-flung Pluto turns your mind to thoughts of travel. Dreams of golden sand, and warm azure seas distract you from your caseload. But you’ve used up all your annual leave and Pluto’s not even a real planet anyway.

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Every time you steal another of your colleague’s biscuits they report you to the team leader. Keep your hands to yourself or bake your own biscuits. You have been warned!

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

You have started dancing lessons in the expectation of being on Strictly Come Dancing and getting off with a gorgeous celebrity. You are of course, completely deluded and need to keep this behaviour secret.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

The council launches its new obesity strategy – which causes more stress as you have just returned from an all inclusive holiday and feel gynormous.

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You have a school reunion this month. After your long-lost friends have ribbed you about your teenage dreams of becoming a popstar or a top model, they are going to ask you “what work do you do”. Lie to them.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

You have secured the department’s only copy of the GSCC’s review of conduct hearings. You are safe from exposure, for the time being.

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

In memory of Isaac Hayes you have taken to singing the theme from Shaft while strutting your stuff at work. Keep it up, you are raising everyone’s spirits.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

It’s back to work for you Tauruses. You can’t put off delving into your bulging in-tray and getting to the bottom of it anymore. Get cracking with the evaluation you’ve been meaning to write about the carer’s support initiative you started.

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

This month you will find out who stole your toy Dalek from your desk.

Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)

The astrological House of Power transcends Saturn and Neptune while Mercury melts. Expect big things in the promotion field.

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

No wonder you’re feeling down in the dumps, not only is the sun moving out of your sign, but it’s bypassed August altogether. Apply for a desk lamp now in preparation for those dark winter days and get the St John’s Wort in – it’s going to be a long haul.