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The second of a series by teenager Heidi Osborne on experiences of growing up in residential child care.

Last week I wrote about how a new residential social worker had been a catalyst for positive change in our children's home. During the past 14 months our whole staff team have given me the confidence to identify and achieve my goals.

They have helped me to develop the choices available in terms of education and social activities. For example, I have gained a diploma in child care and education. I received a wealth of unconditional love, support and guidance while studying on a one-to-one basis. At present, my sense of security has increased as the causes of my problems are being addressed rather than just the symptoms. Two particular residential social workers are my saviours, and I have an immense respect and admiration for them.

Analysing my own learning experiences over the past four years, I feel like a totally different person. Primarily, I have learned that life is not black and white - there are many unexpected twists and turns that challenge and develop us as humans. I have learned to accept and direct change rather than fearing and avoiding it. Specifically, the residential social workers have enhanced my courage.

I have spent a lot of time reflecting while in the home and consequently I have been able to ascertain my own strengths and weaknesses. I have a more objective outlook on life and in turn I now have the ability to assess people and situations in a multi-dimensional way. At the same time I have become a lot more cynical - or you could say that I have become a realist. I am now aware of people's expectations - I can distinguish between ambitions and fantasies. These developments have improved my self-awareness, but at the same time they have suppressed my imagination.

The summer of 1999 was undoubtedly the most unsettling time for me in the home. My weight had hit an all-time low of five-and-a-half stone and I was under the threat of being sectioned. Day by day my sense of isolation and confusion increased. At this stage, I was living with four boys who were drug abusers, which often led to them being highly aggressive and disruptive within the house. The home had become totally dysfunctional within the space of two weeks, the sense of cohesion between the young people and staff had been destroyed, and there was a major divide - "them and us".

The staff were fighting against the young people, institutional rules were being enforced every day. I suppose it was the staff's way of surviving, but it just heightened the conflict rather than resolving it. I remember feeling invisible, like a passive spectator watching it all unfold right in front of my eyes. My needs were not being met, although the staff were trying to be as sympathetic as they could. I desperately needed to escape, but both mentally and physically I was not strong enough. I was trapped and my only way of coping was to lock myself in my room and go into long-term hibernation. It was soul destroying, but I had to do it.

Heidi Osborne has been a resident of Maumbury House children's home, Dorchester, since 1998. She will be going to university in the autumn. The final part of her series appears next week.