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Two and a half million children in the UK are members of a stepfamily, and it is estimated that by the age of 16 one child in eight will experience stepfamily life. For some children this might mean occasionally visiting a parent and new partner. For others, it can mean leaving their own home to move in with a step-parent and his or her existing children, or making room in their own home for step-parent and siblings. Some children are part of two stepfamilies, both with stepsiblings as well as step-parents. When the new couple has children together, family dynamics become even more complex.


Family change inevitably involves loss for the child. Some children resent the fact that one parent has found a new partner, others may feel guilty and disloyal for spending more time with one parent than the other, but all will grieve the loss of the familiar, each in different ways, according to their age and stage as well as their personality and past experience.

This doesn't mean that being part of a stepfamily necessarily leads to any lasting difficulties and most children settle well after a period of adjustment, according to the charity Parentline Plus. Stepchildren do just as well at school as other children although their performance might dip during times of stress and upheaval.

Dorit Braun is the chief executive of Parentline Plus. "Good outcomes for children depend more than anything upon the relationship they have with the parents, with other significant adults and on the strength of the relationship of the parent with the new partner," she explains. "Children who maintain a good, secure relationship with both original parents are better able to form affectionate, supportive relationships with their friends and adjust better to their stepfamily."

David Secrett is a family therapist at Southdown Health children and adolescent mental health services (Camhs) and has researched stepfamily relationships. "When a major change occurs it puts a new perspective on family dynamics," he explains. "Many of the problems stem from the simple, everyday adjustments. Most children want to talk about the loss of a home, pets and their network of friends and relations.

"The lack of shared history in a stepfamily means a simple comment about a past event can make newcomers feel excluded. Having to evaluate what can and can't be said is stressful for a child and can lead to challenging behaviour which the adults just don't understand."

Honeymoon period

There is often an initial honeymoon period when everything seems fine, followed by a period of conflict when behavioural problems are common and some stepchildren experience serious emotional difficulties which need professional help. Some are withdrawn, tearful and depressed; others are aggressive, or disrespectful. Changes need to be carefully negotiated to take into account the different needs of all the members of the new family.

Step-relationships come with no guarantees. Step-parents don't necessarily love or even like their partners' children. Stepchildren may loathe the new step-parent. Stepsiblings may resent or hate each other; old grudges and sibling rivalries from the original family groups will add to the dynamics, and negotiations are complex. Some children in the family inevitably struggle more than others and they will need greater support from inside and outside the family. The impact of this on their self-esteem can be enormous and will have repercussions in their schoolwork, peer relationships and may result in aggressive behaviour or withdrawal.

Hazel Norbury supervises Childline counsellors and has dealt with many children experiencing difficulties in their stepfamilies. She emphasises the issue of loss which goes hand in hand with family disruption and which underpins almost all their calls on the subject. "Many children develop a special relationship with the parent they live with," she explains.


"They keenly feel the loss of this intimacy when a new partner moves in: there's a significant change in the family dynamics when there are three in the household instead of two. It can be hard for a child when a parent changes because of a new relationship. We get a lot of calls from children who feel inadequate because someone else has succeeded in making their parent happy where they have failed."

She cites adolescence as a particularly difficult time for a child to experience a parent's re-partnership. At a time when they are exploring their own sexuality it is hard for them to be confronted by that of their parents. Problems often show themselves indirectly in school performance or challenging behaviour and can lead to depression or stress.

One case involves a 14-year-old boy who, with his younger brother, was expected to spend every other weekend and some holidays with his father and stepmother in another part of the country. He did not want to: he had no friends there and did not get on with his stepmother but his brother was keen to go and he did not want to let him down. Childline emphasised the importance of the 14 year old's wishes and feelings. They organised a meeting between him and his mother, who had not realised how he felt. Once they had discussed it openly they were able to make compromises. "If we can help the child talk to the parent this is the first important step in resolving the situation."

For some children the problems are repeated when a step-parent relationship breaks down. "Once a family has been in a stepfamily it is more likely to separate and reform again," says Secrett. Then there are repeated losses of step-parents and extended stepfamilies, possibly homes and schools as well. "Some will learn from their experiences, using the same coping strategies at each change," he says. "But this will inevitably reduce the child's ability to emotionally invest in a new step-parent."

Emotional difficulties

Children need to feel listened to, and have their feelings acknowledged. Parents might be caught in their own emotional and practical difficulties and be unable to prioritise the needs of their child. They may ask the child about the other's new partner, or expect them to take sides, which compromises their loyalty.

There can be benefits for children in seeing their parents in happier relationships. One is the lesson that good outcomes sometimes emerge from a time of upheaval. A stepfamily introduces a range of new people into the child's life from the new extended family, and over time step-relationships can and often do grow into loving, supportive and enduring additions to a child's world.

- See Children's Views of their Changing Families, J Dunn, K Deater-Deckard, Joseph Rowntree Foundation, 2001