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When I am in a cycle of self-harm I cannot imagine that there can be anything worse. But I have found that there is - sitting with the urges to hurt myself and not acting on them. This can be more excruciating than the self-injury itself.

In a recent 10-month period I needed 23 blood transfusions with more than 50 hospital admissions. Self-harm became my focus. I thought of myself as a self-harmer and about how much damage I had done. While I sometimes wanted to change I felt reluctant to give up the harming. It was as though it formed my identity and purpose. But the cutting had become painful. Before there had been some strong emotion overriding the pain - anger, upset or anxiety. These lessened but I continued to feel low.


What also challenged my habitual self-harming was when an emergency consultant told me I would not be alive in six months if I continued. She warned me that my hand might have to be amputated if an infection spread. But I still felt the desire to harm myself. Being unable to do this because of unbearable physical pain made me feel defeated.

The evenings were hard to get through since I associated them with the rituals of my self-injury. I found myself thinking about harming myself all the time and was frustrated that I could not do it as I had before. I became more depressed and even neglected myself when it came to washing and dressing.

Several things have helped me through, including internet support groups. You get to know the people who frequently post messages and are there to support other members. I have often sent messages about feeling that what I am living now is just an existence and how I miss the mental drama of self-harming. You write "trigger" in the subject line of messages if they concern self-injury, abuse or suicide. I feel the support group members understand.


I joined an occupational therapy sports group and this has given me a reason to regain energy by taking iron tablets to replace lost blood. It meets weekly and is facilitated by an occupational therapist and a support worker. There are six members from both sexes. The group plays badminton and softball tennis at the local sports centre.

One practical way of getting through each day has been comfort eating. I make sure that this is done on lots of fruit and vegetables so minimising weight gain.

Social care workers should recognise that someone is battling self-harm even when they are no longer physically hurting themselves. The mental torment does not end when that person resists using the blade.

Alex Williams has mental health problems and is a volunteer.