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I have recently given a lot of thought to my relationship with food over the past 10 years. Severe anorexia necessitated refeeding programmes; compulsive overeating caused me massive distress. Now I realise food is an answer to a basic human need: companionship.

It is when I have felt most lonely that I have acted self-destructively with food. When I started at university I did not know anyone else on campus and had no one-to-one tutorials. Feeling shy I could not socialise. I would go for days without speaking to a single person. My weight dropped to below four and a half stone. Being in hospital meant I suddenly had company. But at 18, and the only one suffering with an eating disorder, I still felt isolated. During periods of overeating it feels like my only friend is food. I fill up the emptiness with anything I can eat.


When lonely I am more introspective, like I'm the only person suffering distress. My problems seem insurmountable. Being lonely for weeks and months on end is soul destroying. It is as though you are invisible - you are looking at the world through glass. Everyone else is participating, you are just existing. I have attempted suicide when feeling very alone.

Even when not physically lonely you can still feel you are on your own. Mental distress is isolating and loneliness in turn increases depression. Being absorbed in the noise in your head means you do not have the motivation to meet new people. You feel inhibited around others. Even visiting the hairdressers can be difficult because they ask "are you at work today?" Your conversation feels limited - you do not have the life someone else your age typically has because you missed out by being ill. To other people the answer may seem simple - get a job. But working alongside other people for five days a week seems overwhelming when you are used to solitude.
Sometimes loneliness is self-imposed. It is like a punishment; of not deserving other people. When in crisis your focus is on getting through those painful moments and not on seeing others, although loneliness makes things worse. While I admire other service users I am friends with I know they are not always available because of their own distress.


I deal with loneliness by structuring my week. On three weekdays I do voluntary work and take telephone queries at the local citizens advice bureau. Once when I was off sick for a few weeks due to self-harm they sent flowers with a card saying "from your friends at the CAB". It meant a lot to me. At weekends I go to the cinema both days. I can shut out feelings of desolation by concentrating on the big screen

Social care workers should talk to clients about isolation brought on by lack of social contact and experience of mental distress. It does not mean we are too needy - only human.

Alex Williams is a volunteer and uses mental health services