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The dictionary definition of the word violence is "the use of physical force, usually intended to cause injury or destruction." The family support social worker I spoke to about my adopted son's violent behaviour evidently uses a different dictionary.

I was telling her that the school transport department had written to us about his dangerous behaviour in the taxi he uses to and from school. I explained he had been shouting and forcefully kicking the back of the driver's seat while also banging on the window and trying to open the door as the car was moving. She felt there wasn't a problem as the car had child safety locks fitted and asked: "But in what way was he being violent?"

Recently, the violence has escalated. I have been badly bitten, kicked and punched, and kitchen chairs and other items have been thrown around the room. One day he hurled all the books from the bookcase on the landing down the stairs. When I asked what would have happened if one of our babies had been crawling past the stairs, with hardback missiles raining down on them, I was told "but they weren't".

He has used belts or whatever is at hand to attack me and my 6' 2" husband. Yet we are told our concern is not that he is violent but that we perceive such a threat.

It has reached the stage where neither my husband nor I can tell him what to do if he misbehaves. Last weekend I had three of our children locked away in one part of the house and took our two youngest next door to my sister's, so they would be safe. He had been kicking the furniture in the lounge, slamming doors, storming around and shouting, which frightened our youngest children so much they cried.

He didn't attack us, but if we'd insisted he left the room rather than just asked him to, he would have, as he has so many times before. Instead, he sat on the sofa looking at us with utter contempt, refusing to talk, listen or move. He knew he had completely disrupted family life for the whole evening. Dinner was seriously delayed, my sister and her boyfriend had to reorganise their evening out, and the rest of our children were afraid because they have previously witnessed his rages and were frightened he would hurt me.

But that's all okay, as apparently we handled the situation well. That we can't discipline him is, it seems, quite alright. That our other children know we can't control his outbursts is not a problem. And besides, in what way did he threaten us?

I am left wondering.  What is the social worker definition of violent behaviour and when will it be accepted that our son is a danger not only to himself but to all our family, including our five other adopted and vulnerable children? Is it when the severity of a wound he has inflicted requires hospital treatment, or when his behaviour so distracts a driver it causes a car accident?

Christina Wood is an adoptive parent.