News

I have spent six years in recovery from anorexia but will never forget my experience of the illness that lasted for the same length of time.

Every moment - awake and asleep - was spent thinking about food, weight and exercise. Looking in all reflective surfaces to check whether I looked bigger than the day before became a habit. My handwriting was tiny and neat. I wore several layers of clothes even in the summer because I was cold. I felt compelled to act out rituals around food such as wrapping a loaf of bread in several carrier bags only to go back and check it dozens of times. Although I ate only breadcrumbs each day, I hoarded food. Sometimes I would have an apple, agonising over this choice and throwing the fruit away if it wasn't perfect.

Not believing I was thin or fat, all I cared about was the number on the scales. When starving you believe you will turn things round after losing only a few more pounds.

What made me start to eat after becoming critically ill was a dream that felt like a vision. I saw myself shrink and vanish from the world and how my life then amounted to nothing. I decided to fight. At the time I believed I was part of a cruel experiment conducted by my psychiatrist. Confused as to what was reality and what was fantasy I made the life-changing decision to accept food.

Treatment was in a local hospital and two eating disorders units. Competition between anorexic patients was rife: who had reached the lowest weight, caused most physical damage or been in a coma. Food was hidden in sleeves at mealtimes or thrown across the room as plates smashed. Slowly, I began to set myself apart from the behaviour of the rest. I discovered voluntary work when I had freedom to leave the unit and joined an integrated dance company involving people with learning difficulties.

The truth is that anorexia is a terrible existence. Other people treat you like a child, stare at your thinness and whisper to each other.

Being on a ward waiting to be fed with a high-calorie diet is terrifying but boring. I wish other people did not have to suffer as I did but so many people do and even health and social care professionals will be frustrated when they try to help.

No one can take anorexia away from a sufferer without looking at how they gain a sense of achievement in other ways than starving. It is important to keep an eye on food intake while building someone's self-worth and exploring feelings that fuel the eating disorder.

Over the past six years I have always had the thought that I could go back to anorexia at any time. It has been a comfort when I have been scared of being well. Sometimes it has appeared seductive - I would have control and it would be a distraction from emotional issues. But thinking about the reality has convinced me that there is no going back.

Alex Williams is a mental health service user and a volunteer.