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This Life asks for pieces to be written in the first person, using phrases like "I feel". A natural enough request for an article about someone's personal experiences, right?

Well, no. The technical term is, I believe, alexithymic: one who, although perfectly at home discussing intellectual concepts, struggles to articulate their emotions. Especially using first-person pronouns. "You", "she", "one" are all fine. I can write pages on some hypothetical person who may feel a certain way. But as soon as the word "I" creeps in, my prose stutters to a halt. The sentences become stilted; the words feel inadequate and false. I'm left totally at a loss as to how to put my feelings down on the page in words that don't make me want to disown them as soon as I type them.


This doesn't only happen when I attempt to write about how I feel - it is always the case. Even to recognise my feelings is a struggle, let alone identify the causes and deal with them. During the past seven years my emotions got lost. They got encrypted, translated into physical feelings with a physical cause and a physical solution. I wasn't sad: I was fat. Losing weight would solve the problem. Therefore, there was no problem. I wasn't angry: I was tense. Cutting would release the tension. So, there was no problem. I had no feelings, I had no needs. I could deal with everything by attacking myself. Everything is OK.

Then you come to see that this is not the case, and you dare to let your self-destructive coping mechanisms go. And all the pain that they held at bay comes crashing in on you at once and you have to face it head-on. You can't ignore that you are an "I" because you're hurting too much to deny it. And talking about it is nigh-on impossible.

I still feel I'm "not allowed" to feel; because I know that I can deal with it - albeit self-destructively - and asking for help therefore seems an indulgence... and because, having spent so long blank, saying the words "I feel sad" makes me feel like a liar. How can I feel sad when my idea of myself is as someone who does not feel at all?


I've had to relearn the concept of myself as an emotional being. It's not easy and I've still got a way to go. My first reaction to any unpleasant emotion is often utter obtuseness. I have to sit back inside my head and think "what is this?" Then, having realised I feel tense all the time because I'm stressed, I need to work out why. This isn't easy. My brain rebels at the idea that anything concrete could be making me feel bad. I'm meant to be able to cope!

It's a step-by-step process. Day by day I'm slowly getting my head around the idea that I have emotions; that they have causes and aren't just down to an innate weakness in me - that it is human, that it's OK. And that I can deal with pain in ways which don't destroy me. Accepting such a fundamental change in how I perceive myself and the world is difficult but I am getting there. Slowly, yes - but definitely.

Holly Davies uses mental health services