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Christmas just wouldn’t be Christmas without a bad joke, a useless plastic toy and a multicoloured party hat from a cracker.  So for all you festive lovers about there, here are Community Care’s top ten social work jokes that you’d be sure to find inside our crackers.

Vote for your best joke and win a plastic plane (found in my very own cracker at our Christmas lunch). 

In true bingo calling style, here we go…

Cock and Hen, number ten

A social worker asks a colleague: “What time is it?”
The colleague answers: “Sorry, I don't know.  I have no watch.”

The first one says: “Never mind!  The main thing is that we talked about it.”

On its own, doctor’s orders, number nine

A man has a heart attack and is brought to the hospital ER. The doctor tells him that he will not live unless he has a heart transplant right away. Another doctor runs into the room and says, "you're in luck, two hearts just became available, so you will get to choose which one you want. One belongs to an attorney and the other to a social worker". 

The man quickly responds, "the attorney's".

The doctor says, "Wait! Don't you want to know a little about them before you make your decision?"

The man says, "I already know enough. We all know that social workers are bleeding hearts and the attorney's probably never used his. So I'll take the attorney's!"

Garden gate, number eight

A social worker is facing a mugger with a gun. “Your money or your life!” says the mugger.  “I'm sorry,” the social worker answers, “I am a social worker, so I have no money and no life.”

Lucky for some, number seven

Q. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb?
A. The light bulb must first fill out all the appropriate forms to determine eligibility for service.

At number six, it’s chopsticks

Hear about the social work firing squad?
They stood in a circle.

Man alive…number five

A social worker told a patient: “I have some good news and some bad news.  The good news is that you’re all right.  The bad news is that the things you’re seeing are real.”

Knock on the door, number four

Two social workers were walking through a rough part of the city in the evening.  They heard moans and muted cries for help from a back lane.  Upon investigation, they found a semi-conscious man in a pool of blood.  “Help me, I've been mugged and viciously beaten,” he pleaded.  The two social workers turned and walked away.  One remarked to her colleague: “You know the person that did this really needs help.”

I’m free….what about number three?

A man went to a social worker and told him he wanted help because he thought he was a dog.  When the social worker asked him how long he had been thinking he was a dog, he replied: “Ever since I was a puppy.”  The social worker said: “OK, lay down on the couch.”  The man said: “I'm not allowed on the couch.”

One little duck, number two

Q. When is it OK for a social worker to be judgmental?
A. Only to criticise a nurse for being judgmental.

And at number one…it’s Kelly’s eye (in the spirit of one-eyed Australian gangster Ned Kelly)

The social worker asked the bartender "What's the difference between your job and mine?" and the bartender replied, "I only had to go to bartender school for 10 weeks and I learned to mix a little of this with a little of that and wait a couple of hour s to have people tell me their innermost thoughts while you went to school for 6 years, paid thousands and thousands of pounds, sit session after session using technique after technique, and you still may never hear them!"

Which is your favourite social work joke? Vote in the poll below.

For more jokes, take a look at these websites

Jokes n’ Jokes

Work Joke

Sun Times

Social Work Stuff