Oh my God.
I'm losing my mind. I'm telling you, it's all the craziness I deal with day in and day out on my job. It has FINALLY rubbed off. Only a matter of time, really.
Last night the phone rings at the bright hour of 2:30. Anti Meridiem. I stumbled out of bed, took the call, and prepared to go deal with yet ANOTHER suicidal tween (Santa? You fail.) I put on some semblance of a face, got dressed quickly, and prepared to make my grand exit.
Purse? Check.
Field bag? Check.
Phone? Check.
Keys?
Keys???
KEYS????
Right.
No where. Not in their usual spot where we hang all matter of keys in the kitchen. Not in the bedroom, living room, bathroom, or fridge. I checked all places where they could have possibly run and hid. Twice.
Say you: Um, the fridge?
Say me: It could happen.
I do have an extra set but here's the problem: We have electronic doors at the hospital and in order for me to navigate I need this magical little doo-hicky to open said doors. Which happens to live on my key ring.
So. I stood there and pondered my situation for a minute. Then I did the search again to no avail. And again.
Feeling quite frustrated that I a) couldn't find my keys and b) couldn't LOUDLY protest that I couldn't find my keys for fear of not only antagonizing my family, but my neighbors as well, I shoved my hands in my pockets and headed for the extra set.
Only to feel said keys in my right hand.
Say you: See? Problem solved!
Say me: I'm far from done, here.
Episode Deux:
I'm in the middle of Christmas baking--the neighbors are all getting goodies and I am working on the perfect banana nut bread recipe.* This afternoon I started getting all the ingredients rounded up and displayed on the counter when I realized I couldn't find the measuring cups.
I have a set of four stainless steel ones and they have served me quite well over the years. I love them. That the 1/3 cup one got slightly mauled by the garbage disposal about eighteen months ago only adds to their charm.
Obviously, I started searching for them. I had just used them the night before so they HAD to be close, right? And all stacked together, because I couldn't find one of them. I checked the sink. The dishwasher. The drawer where they live. The cabinet where The Geek puts them away even though they don't live up there. The silverware drawer. All places searched twice.
They are nowhere.
So then I began looking in not-so-obvious places: where I keep the flour. Where I keep dish rags. Where I keep leftover containers. Where I keep canned goods. The fridge.
Say you: Um, the fridge?
Say me: Desperate times.
I swear, I tore the kitchen apart looking for them. Turning the situation into an entirely Detective Clouseau moment I started questioning witnesses: I asked the Boy if he had seen them. I asked the Diva if she had seen them. I called The Geek at work for his take on the matter.
No one had heard, seen, or knew a thing.
Right.
Tempting fate--knowing as sure as I stood there that if I went out and purchased a measuring utensil the old ones would turn up--I took drastic action.
I went to the store and bought a two-cup Pyrex measuring container.** '
It was $9.99.
I bought it at a specialty store.
I really, really wanted to make that bread.
I got home, proceeded to work on my masterpiece and finally got the loaves in the oven. (My new gadget performed swimmingly, by the way.) Then I started cleaning. I was at the sink washing dishes and without looking grabbed what was immediately to my left. I looked down and noticed I was holding the complete set of clean, ready-to-use, stainless steel measuring cups.
Did you get that?
They were on the counter.
I was so stunned I just stood there. There is NO way they could have been on the counter, in plain sight, for two hours while I looked desperately for them and then later proceeded to make the bread one foot away from where they lay.
No. Way.
So I did what any mother does in these kinds of situations. That is to say, I took the only rational option available to me: I proceeded to blame the teenager.
Me: BOY!!!!
The Boy: Yes, Mom?
Me: Come here, please.
When he appeared, I asked him, quite calmly, if he was possibly messing with me? Did he happen to hide the measuring cups when I was looking for them, just for a laugh mind, and then sneak them back in the kitchen so I would find them later? I promised him I wasn't angry, I just needed a resolution to this baffling situation. (Please, please! For the love of my mental health, tell me you did this. We'll joke about it at Christmas dinner. The uncles will give you a double high-five for your ingenuity and execution of sticking it to the mom.)
He swore he did no such thing.
The kid can't lie, bless him. I had no choice to believe him.
Which brings me back to my original point: I'm losing my mind.
Say you: And you sure wasted my time making said point.
Say me: To be sure. ->
*The Geek has high standards, and seeing as I don't like banana nut bread, I'm sorta flying blind on this one. My last attempt was a disaster--even the taste-test neighbor agreed--so I was motivated to perfect the recipe. The Geek gave me a two-thumbs up on my second run, my own concoction BTW. I'll post the recipe if enough people ask.
**In my defense on this one, The Geek has been asking for one since the last one broke. No time like the present, right?
Read the complete post at http://feeds.feedburner.com/~r/blogspot/tXCM/~3/489582939/stupid-life-tricks.html
Posted
19 Dec 2008 11:00 AM
by
Trench Warfare
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