I just dont know what to do. I have been a practiing social worker for 12 years and have lived a very comfortabel life with a very nice home and going on holidays etc etc. I have just found out that I am 11 weeks pregnant which was not planned. My partner of 2 yrs (who does not live with me), freaked out and is certain that he does not want a baby in his life, stating that he still wants me , but just me. I cant judge him for this as it was a complete freak of nature that I fell pregnant being on the pill and previously told I am moderately infertile. Anyway I now have my 12 week scan booked but I have also booked a termination appointment. I dont know which appointment to keep. I have looked into childcare costs and in my area they amount to not less that £800 monthly. How on this earth is anyone supposed to be able to find that sort of money ? Also is it fare to put an almost new born baby into full time child care; what sort of life is that for a baby ????
Please has anyone else found themselves ina similar situation who can offer me some advise ???
I have not been in this particular situation myself but would like to offer you the following advice:
Take a step back, take some time to let this all sink in.. just 'breathe' and don't make any rash decisions.
Definitely don't have the termination based solely on your partner's wishes. Your relationship may break down naturally in years to come, or more likely this issue will not be forgotten and you will end up resenting him very quickly. If he is not willing to commit to you and support you (it is half his fault that this has happened afterall!) then he is not worth basing the decision on. You may find he will come round, and then you will be very glad you didn't do anything hasty. Even if he doesn't, you need to make the decision based on you and you alone.
As for childcare costs, I am not denying they are expensive but this should not be your primary concern. People from all walks of life and with all possible incomes (as you will know) are able to have happy children and happy families. Full time childcare is still a long way off, who knows what you might feel then. You may take a career break, go part time, or you may stay full time but somehow manage to work it out.
Good luck!
Nickie,
I've never been in this situation and I wouldn't presume to offer advice as only you can know your own unique circumstances, partner and at the end of the day whether you actually want to be a Mum.
What I did want to do though is offer you some support and say I hope you manage to come to a decision which will be the best one for you and your family. All the best for the future.
You wouldn't have to pay all costs for a child yourself. He would have to contribute even if he doesn't want to be part of the childs life. You say childcare costs are £800 p.m is this with a childminder? You should get childcare vouchers to help with this or a nursery. You may find however when the baby is born you don't want to return to work full time and combine part time work with tax credits, etc (I know a lot of people who have done this). I also have a friend who was in similar situation to you - with the bloke freaking out and they decided their partner was more important, only to have the bloke turn around at a later date and say he wished the baby had been born. Suffice to say this messed her head up a bit.
Its difficult to advise without knowing your wiider support network but if you have friends and family who could help with childcare (just to give you a break every now again, rather than for work) you may be able to do it. The nights for the first few months are tough with a newborn yet many women who choose to breastfeed exclusively -whether in a relaionship or not, usually end up doing all of this alone anyway.
Its very hard to a women who is carrying the child to make a decision like this and my heart goes out to you. I wish you all the best in your decision and I am sure you will make the right choice for yourself.
You asked for advice and got sympathy. Wonderful social workers words; "only you know your circumstances etc" Well I will give you what you asked for. First of all you refer to your partner. I hope you have changed your locks. With regard to babe do not listen to anyone. I am sure you know the pros and cons of a termination, physical but more importantly psychological.
I say physical referring to the actual effort it takes to bring up kids and how they get in the way of you having a life, even with a partner; you don't need telling this but the guilt of termination may far outweigh the effort required to bring up a kid.
I would say if you have a strong mind and can rationalise things, go for the termination. If not, take the easy way out and have the child.
Shirack:You asked for advice and got sympathy. Wonderful social workers words; "only you know your circumstances etc"
horribly its crept into my everyday conversation - luckily the looks of sheer annoyance from friends etc are helping me reign it in!
partner sounds an absolute waste of space to me but it all depends on how much you value him in your life? could you bring up a baby alone? theres real consequences to your desirability as potential partner if you are "with child" - tho that depends how old you are i guess. Your partner could be callimng your bluff - especially when he realises he'll have to pay for it anyway....
people do it alone but its really hard and expensive - im not sure i could tbh - what sort of social support do you have - if you have a close family and friends (who are willing to offer support) then thats better. As the ones that dont have those support networks tend to get supported thru services - are you ready to become a service user and all that entails? Tho sometimes all you need is the confidence to make the leap and itll be the best choice youve ever made - are there really that many that regret having kids?
do you have any friends that have kids? perhaps mumsnet may be a good place to go to for advice?
Is it just a question of whether you can afford the baby? Or how the baby will fit into your career? Or if you really want a child at all?
If you have been in SW for 12 yrs, you would likely get 1 yrs maternity leave. You would need to see what your entitlements are.
If it's about juggling parenthood & career and how you will cope, I agree that full time SW with a child is extremely hard. I know of very few that can work 5 paid days and spend their eves and weekends being a parent to a very young child and none of them that are single and do so. You would get no 'wind down' time and will be likely burned out in a few months.
You might want to consider part-time and what entitlements you would get. If you do not want to be a parent enough, then do not do it.
As for childcare, mine loved it, but it was part-time.
An option not mentioned yet but could fall into the category of advice. Adoption. There are presumably many parents dearly wanting to adopt a baby but can't because there is a shortage of babies for adoption.
also just seen that youve been with partner for 2 years - not exactly a long time invested to be throwing possibly the only chance youll have of having kids?
Tho in this day and age theres no shame in being childless and rich lol
Starter: An option not mentioned yet but could fall into the category of advice. Adoption. There are presumably many parents dearly wanting to adopt a baby but can't because there is a shortage of babies for adoption.
This post sparked an interesting conversation between myself and a friend visiting from Botswana. He couldn't believe that anyone would spend that much on childcare. His answer ... simple, use the wider community as people in Botswana do. He is a successful businessman who often has to travel away to UK, USA and his wife who also works has the 3 kids to bring up. With no family close, she regularly relies on neighbours and friends to give her some respite. Its the old tried and tested ethos of it takes a village to raise a child... and in fact, the community have a sense of responsibility and expect to be asked to help. My friend commented that if a single mum did not ask the community to help, she would very likely be reported to social services by the community being worried about the children and the stress she would be under. (How ironic is that!!)
And it got me to thinking... My sister is 38, childless, single, affluent and only works part time. She is incredible with kids and would love to regularly have a couple of kids for the day or evening. Likewise my neighbours...both in their late fifties have 2 children who have emigrated. They too would like nothing better than to support a single mum in the local community by regular baby sitting or having a child or two once or twice a week.
It just seems crazy. With so many single mums and low income families struggling with the cost of childcare... and with many willing childless affluent adults around, common sense tells you that in an ideal world we should be able to make this work.
One word comes to mind .... trust.
You can become a mother (lots of women out there cant have children), Also you have a job (a good pay job). Lots of people don't have jobs.
Terminating a pregnancy - well thats murder to my belief.
I cant feel sorry for you.
Flowergirl - we're all entitled to an opinion but sometimes its worth bearing in mind that old cliche "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Telling the OP that abortion is murder doesn't help her and will get a lot of people's backs up (including mine). I'd be interested to see how you would treat a pregnant woman on your caseload considering termination for whatever reason; I hope your response wouldn't be like the one above.
I dont understand why you mean JellyBean. I dont understand why she is complaining about having a child and having a job. I have seen worse cases living in a war zone myself - people are dying every day (thats more tragic that this case), children are dying every day of hunger, people are dying in Libya, wars, children slavery, etc. Sorry but I don't understand why my opinions offended you?
No, I don't agree with terminating a pregnancy neither the Vatican (why is that a bad thing to say, to try and save someone's life is a bad thing?). Its murder, is it not JellyBean? Taking someone else's life is not murder? A lot of people will agree with me in that respect. Because its not yourself having the abortion, it is always easier to say to someone else " go ahead have an abortion, problem solved". thats yours social work involvement done. So thats your solution to her problem?.
Religion causes more problems than it solves, far more.
Abortion is a volitile subject as there are no shades of grey.
Let those who want one have one, those that don't don't.
It is a subject that the murder proponents wish to impose their beliefs vehemently on others. It is not so strong the other way.
Have never heard of an american doctor being murdered for not giving an abortion.
Which camp appear to be the most humanitarian?
I'm not going to have a pro-choice/pro-life debate with you here as that's not going to help anyone at all. There are going to be people who fall on both sides on this forum.
In the grander scheme of things, yes there are bigger problems in the world as a whole(war, poverty, disaster, famine and so forth) but the impact a child can have on someone's life is huge. We don't know what nickie's support networks are like, whether her wages/maternity pay can stretch to cover the costs of a child as well as rent, bills and so forth (she suggests this might not be possible), the impact on her career if she takes time out for kids and so on. Suggestions that other posters have made on ways round these things such as considering part-time work, seeing if a neighbour/relative can provide childcare, and advice on benefits available to working mums are more helpful to nickie than going "I think abortion is murder and so does the Pope, so you shouldn't do it" which is essentially what you have done. I have never said that I think abortion is a simple solution or the solution for nickie so please don't put words in my mouth.
I think you come across a bit aggressive now. I better stay away from you. seriously calm down, take a day off. It's a debate!
Flowergirl, please be careful about making statements like that. Its really not your place to pass judgement on this forum. I am sure the OP is well aware of the varied views about abortion and your comments are not constructive and will likely lead to greater stress (which could impact on the baby).
I think the OP is looking for support and practical advice. Here is mine...
Let you heart rule your head on this one. Only you alone will know if you are likely to regret a termination. If your instinct is to have the baby, then go for it. Do not see £800 childcare as the only option. As I said above, find support networks, join clubs, baby sitting circles, mumsnet, . Talk openly with family and friends ... you'll be surprised how many will offer practical help. ASK for help (so many childless people feel so offended at not being asked to support friends with child care). Learn to trust.
Jellybean1: Flowergirl - we're all entitled to an opinion but sometimes its worth bearing in mind that old cliche "if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all". Telling the OP that abortion is murder doesn't help her and will get a lot of people's backs up (including mine). I'd be interested to see how you would treat a pregnant woman on your caseload considering termination for whatever reason; I hope your response wouldn't be like the one above.
Shirak!
Seriously do more research on anti -abortion - http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Anti-abortion_violence#Murders
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8076253.stm " US American abortion doctor shot dead"
Get the facts people. Abortion is murder. Although I dont agree with way of approaching this issue with violence and murders- but to say that this never happened to a Dr - Shirak you need to read.
Poor post Flowergirl...very poor.
Shirak !
Here are some news about an abortion
http://news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/8076253.stm
Rainworth
Dont tell me what to say or not to say (is not your place either).
I dont agree with abortions , end of story.
Flowergirl2011: Rainworth Dont tell me what to say or not to say (is not your place either). I dont agree with abortions , end of story .
I dont agree with abortions , end of story .
I wasn't going to get involved with this but I will not have someone telling a woman in a difficult situation that abortion is plain and simple murder.
Nickie - I assume you don't think this way about abortion as you have booked the appointment. Please don't let the voice of the banner waving anti-choice movement sway your decision. It is your body, your life and your choice.
I don't think there is much advice strangers on a forum can really give, but I suppose the one thing I would suggest is to speak to lots of people. Speak to your gp, speak to the doctors/councillors at the abortion clinic (but make sure that whoever you speak with isn't someone pushing an anti-choice agenda - they do exist in some so called 'independent' advice centres and have been known to lie outight). Speak to your family. Speak to you boyfriend. Of course lots of people do raise children alone, and work whilst they do it, and do both very well. Whether you can make that work for you - well only you can know that.
A brief word to give another slant from some of the comments above about your boyfriend. Of course, in an ideal world he would say he would stay with you as long as you both loved each other irrespective of a child. But having a child IS a big deal for everyone involved. If he genuinely feels he can't cope with it then that is his decision. He has been honest with you at least. Probably better that than lieing, becoming unhappy and then breaking up. of course, the decision then about whether to have the baby or not should remain absolutely yours. He should not be saying "I will leave you AND I want you to have a termination"). Of course, he will still have financial obligations towards the child if you choose to go ahead with the pregnancy and he absolutely should meet these obligation.
Good luck with whatever you choose. Whatever the decision you take you have nothing to feel guilty about.
Hi Nickie.
I think as standard you will be entitled to 3 months off work with full pay and about a year off work with maternity pay. For myself this was 3 months full pay and 39 weeks of maternity pay (this was £535 pm for me, think it is rougly the same amount for everyone as a legal requirement that employers pay it).
You will also be given £20 pw child benefit This is not income assessed.. Your situation is also assessed to determine the amount of child tax credit and working tax credit you will receive. If you are a single parent you will be entitled to more child tax credit and working tax creidit allowance.
Whether you decide to go back to work after 3 months or a year you will be given working tax credits which pay an amount towards childcare. This can be up to £175 pw. Some employers also give vouchers towards childcare costs aswell...(Am not quite sure how this works...but you should ask your supervisor to let you know if this is something you will be entitled to).
I would ring the tax credits helpline and ask them to give you an estimate of what you would be entitled to in terms of tax credits and working tax credits. They will need your national insurance number and details of your income to give you an idea of this.
I found mysef in a very similar situation about a year and a half ago. I had been in a relationship for a few months when I found out I was pregnant. I had PCS syndrome and had had an operation on my ovaries a few years before. I felt strangely happy to know I was pregnant but at the same time had no idea about babies or how I would be able to look after one. I lived with family firends I had lived with since childhood but had no family to support me and knew I could not stay living with my friends if I kept the baby. I also knew that there was no way I could stay in the job I was in even if I wanted to because of the very long hours and difficult shifts. I booked the termination. Despite this, I had stopped smoking after I did the pregnancy test and found myself feeling angry at my partner for not insisting that we keep the baby.
The one thing I would say to you is that you should not decide whether to keep the baby based on whether you think you can afford to look after it, whether it will fit around your life or whether you think other people wil react the way you want them too..
If I had done this I would not be sitting here now with my beautiful 8 month old baby. He is the best thing that ever happened to me. I am happier now than I have ever been. It frigthens me to think that I could have made a different decision.
I didn't go back to my job. I physically couldn't..though it sounds like you could)... I received maternity pay and am now working part time from home. I am due to start the social work msc course this September when he is a year old.
I can honestly say that my son has not gone without anything. I spoil him rotten. I never thought I would be able to afford it but because I don't smoke or drink or go out like I used to.. I am actually better off now than I ever was when I was working full time...though I appreciate that my patner helps he is on an average wage. You will easily be able to afford it....if you are prepared to put your baby first.
You said you have a nice home and go on nice holidays. It sounds like you would be able to offer your child a nice life if you wanted to. I think that you wouldn't have posted your comment on the forum if you didn't want to keep this baby. It sounds like you just need reassurance.
Speak to your employer(or someone you trust at work) and find out exactly what you would be entitled to during your pregnancy and after. Speak to the tax credits helpline(their number is on the internet) and find out what support you would get. Don't forget that the father will also be expected to help and he may come round to the idea and want to in the future.
I wish you all the best in whatever you decide.
Flowergirl2011: You can become a mother (lots of women out there cant have children), Also you have a job (a good pay job). Lots of people don't have jobs. Terminating a pregnancy - well thats murder to my belief. I cant feel sorry for you.
Whoooooa! Hang on! The OP didn't ask you to "feel sorry" for her, she asked for advice. Which I don't believe your post contains.
My advice would be to make an appointment at BPAS or similar to discuss all your options. You do not need to make an immediate decision and BPAS will not try to sway you either way.
Children are expensive in every way- I miss free time so much more than I miss disposable income- but there *is* financial support for parents. Child benefit and tax credits help- remember you can get help with childcare costs through tax credits. WRT maternity pay, it depends on your employer's policy as to what you receive above the statutory minimum, but most offer something. SMP is 90% of your salary for the first six weeks and then a flat rate of £128.73 for the next 33 weeks. When I had my last child, my first £100/ week of income when on maternity leave was disregarded by tax credits, although I do not know whether that has changed since 2009.
As a woman who has had an abortion I would say this: the most important thing is that the decision is yours. What you partner, friends, family, colleagues etc think DOES NOT MATTER. It is absolutely your choice to make.
Dear Nickie,
I am glad that you got pregnant (I have tried for one year with teghs econd and over 8 with my first).
Many congratulations and I hope you think at you both now - you and baby.
Your boyfriend wants you and only you... well this is very selfish of him... what if you were ill? needed care and help? could you count on him? what exactly he wants you for? I think you ahve already got the answer...
A child is a blessing. Don't worry about work or maternity.. on your council's website you should eb able to find out details of the maternity skeme; with child care costs you will get about 80% back in taxes as a single mum... and can get back to work part time... you will love your child and being a mum.
He doesn't even deserve to eb a father, you don t need him... I had a child on my own, and found it a bit difficult at the begining.. but this gave me strength and I have now a beautiful girl. I am a social worker and even went back full time. You will get help as you will need, all will came to you exactly when needed, only pray and go ahead with your pregnancy.
Don't lok for opinions- you are a professional and a smart woman, you should decide in your favopur. In these times to have a baby is quite a natural thing.
A termination involves as someone wrote below a very high emotionally and psychologically imput. It will be difficult to accept and live with all guilt for all your life because you did this. I would not like to go to develop this subject as is a very sensitive one, but I think once you posted it, you feel like a mum, so KEEP the baby. Goodluck. By teh way... subscribe to all parenting clubs whyie you pregnant, you will love that. Hope to hear from you soon, with good news.
Are you seriously referencing the Vatican as moral guidance?? I would have thought that had a certain incongruence with the values of modern SW.
You are entitled to your opinion, no matter how offensive I find them. But on a point I don't believe that the OP was seeking SW support and I don't believe that any SW would influence a SU to have an abortion to avoid further intervention.
Apologies my post is just stranded there, I meant to quote Flowergirl
The childcare vouchers that you receive from your employer work like this - you decide the value of the voucher, think the maximum is £240. This amount is taken out of your wage before tax and NI, it saves you on average £50 per month.
I've used vouchers before and found it a great help towards childcare costs and most employers are in this scheme and a lot if childcare providers accept these vouchers, Hope this helps.
I think before you make any major decision that WILL affect your life forever, it is important that you gather as much info as possible (financial, practicable etc) and it is a decision only you can make. Lastly follow your heart, if you do decide to carry on with your pregnancy you will always find a way to afford things and make your career work alongside family life, it is do-able.....
Also if you do decide with a termination, again follow your heart and don't beat yourself up about it if you were to make this decision. An unhappy parent generally makes an unhappy child.
Good luck and keep us informed........
Forgot to mention, the vouchers can be sent either directly to your childcare provider or yourself on a monthly basis.
Dear Nicky,
I have been a single parent for most of my life, and I would not want to miss it. My son was my very best accomplishment in my life. He gave me the bestest ever day of my life when he was born, and the hardest when he passed over.
Life as a single parent is not always rosy, but it is manageable. It takes a few adjustments, a rethink of priorities, nothing to be scared of. I feel sad that you do not allow yourself to become clear in your mind about what you want. Equally you need to consider- whatever your decision- how that affects you emotionally and your relationship. Could you still love someone who pressurizes you into having a termination, who so very clearly appears to want to bully you into adopting his point of view?
He says he still wants you - only on his terms. Are you supposed to be grateful for this? My advise would be : do what you think feels right to you, give him a wide berth.
I am sure you have heard about maternity leave etc, and there is plenty of info available.
Think carefully. In a way it is a miracle.
Kind regards
Sabine
Hi Nikkie,
As a mother of two children who is not particularly well off my advice is to go with your heart. I honestly believe that if people waited until they could afford to have children babies wouldn't be born. Yes, children are expensive but you do get by somehow. Maternity leave and benefits are much better nowadays and as someone said earlier (sorry forgot their name) there are plenty of people who I am sure would be willing to help out, it's just a case of finding them :-)
Follow your heart and as for your partner, I have witnessed men who wanted nothing to do with their partners when they fell pregnant but turned full circle once baby arrived. No-one can say what the future holds in any relationship, with or without children, sometimes you just have to take a risk.
I wish you luck and strength with your decision
x
My belief in social work and in the wider scheme of things is to walk a mile in someone else's shoes first Flowergirl. I do not believe the OP was asking for yours or anyone else's sympathy or moral acceptance. I hope you read the OP first, Flowergirl, before posting, and not just using the OP as a means of forwarding your own beliefs.
To the original poster, only you can make your decision ,it's not going to be easy either way so I wish you love and hugs no matter what - you need to trust yourself and go with this - and put aside some of the heatedness on here, people are getting their own moral knickers in a twist. this is your life, not theirs xxx
Cristina - A termination does not necessarily come at high emotional cost, and it is not necessarily "difficult to accept and live with all guilt for all your life". That is utter rubbish. Some people might feel bad after a termination, others may find it fine to live with. I am one of the latter, and many of my female friends are too. It's a fallacy that having a termination automatically means living the rest of your life racked with guilt.
Flowergirl2011: I think you come across a bit aggressive now. I better stay away from you. seriously calm down, take a day off. It's a debate!
There's nothing aggressive in Jellybean's post as far as I can see. However, your posts shock me to the core. I see from your other posts that you are finding it hard to get a job. Did you want people to feel sorry for you? Actually, your grammar and spelling are probably letting you down. Likewise, your values.
I shudder to think you might work with the vulnerable.
Agreed with redana.
Hi Nickie
I really feel for you in this situation, I was in a similar one not so long ago...despite being on the pill! . You need to follow Your Heart and Your Beliefs, everything else will fall into place-money, relationships, work.....
I advise you to ignore Flowergirl, we all have our personal opinions on Abortion - and I would be considered a " Christian Pro Lifer" however, it is never helpful to guilt somebody (murder statement) into making a decision. People like Flowergirl seek to control others through their own self hatred and bitterness. I remain hopeful that Flowergirl does not behave as demonstrated on here with her own Service Users.
Some people regret, some do not, you are unique and only you can decide.
Remember, you are a Social Worker, you can deal with anything!!!! :)
Best Wishes