How to tell a child that non-birth dad now only wants to see his "real" child?!? Please any comments welcome

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Catherine_205 Posted: 24 Jan 2012 10:45 AM

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I'll outline the problem and a bit of history -

Mum and Dad split up in the summer, children 7 and 3. Dad has been with mum last 6 six years.  Both children call dad - daddy.

Up till now, dad has had good contact, having both children 2 nights a week.  Children enjoy going.

Now Dad has said he will only take the 3 year old as he cant cope with both. 

Have suggested having one child on one night and one on the other - rejected by dad.

How can I tell the 7 year old. daddy doesnt want to see them anymore?

Please any comments welcome. No workers involved this is a personal problem.

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Catherine_205 replied on 24 Jan 2012 10:46 AM

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Forgot to add - - the 3 year old is the biological child - the 7 year old is from previous relationship.

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redana replied on 24 Jan 2012 10:58 AM

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The person that knows the child best is the right one to decide how to tackle this and what will make sense for the 7 year old....but the child needs to know it's not about them....it's something about the adult.

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Rupert M replied on 24 Jan 2012 11:15 AM

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Does the 7-year-old know that 'daddy' is not his birth father? This is going to be of significant importance.

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Catherine_205 replied on 24 Jan 2012 11:24 AM

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Rupert M:

Does the 7-year-old know that 'daddy' is not his birth father? This is going to be of significant importance.

Yes - she has a relationship with her birth father also - this is sporadic though.

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Rupert M replied on 24 Jan 2012 11:37 AM

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I think that either yourself or someone accep;table to non-biological father needs to talk with him to better understand why he is saying what he is. Does he need more support? Does he feel that the relationship will end sooner or later and so he is seeking to protect himself by ending it first?  Has he always felt differently towwards the two children?

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mozza replied on 24 Jan 2012 4:24 PM

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Not sure why we are being asked about a personal problem. Lots of advice out there from agony aunts/uncles

Or it goes to General Chat

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Rupert M replied on 24 Jan 2012 4:43 PM

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Whilst it is a personal problem it does raise social work issues - and hopefully some of us can do a bit better than 'agony aunts and uncles.'

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mozza replied on 24 Jan 2012 5:02 PM

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I disagree it is a personal issue - and mercifully professionals cannot and wish not to speak to children as were they having a familial or friendly relationship with them there is more than adequate advice out there to help this poster.

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Rupert M replied on 24 Jan 2012 5:20 PM

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And perhaps 'professionals' make intelligible postings - you diagree that it is a personal matter OR you disagree that it is not a personal matter? - the rest of the sentence is equally hard to follow / comprehend.

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RP replied on 30 Jan 2012 5:28 PM

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I assume both children live with mum and the issue is that the child will see her sibling going but she will not go - am I correct? In this case the issue will not be just the fact that she might feel rejected by dad, but also there is a risk of sibling rivalry and resentment towards the younger sibling - these are the two elements that I would try to tackle, ensuring that the child does not feel there is something to do with her, like redana said. There is not much said about what makes dad unable to cope and what he means by that - maybe he would be willing at least to meet the child for shorter periods of time or at the very least speak to her on the phone and reassure her in this way. If it is only a temporary issue I would ensue that the child knows that.

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romeo2001 replied on 30 Jan 2012 8:54 PM

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RP:

I assume both children live with mum and the issue is that the child will see her sibling going but she will not go - am I correct? In this case the issue will not be just the fact that she might feel rejected by dad, but also there is a risk of sibling rivalry and resentment towards the younger sibling - these are the two elements that I would try to tackle, ensuring that the child does not feel there is something to do with her, like redana said. There is not much said about what makes dad unable to cope and what he means by that - maybe he would be willing at least to meet the child for shorter periods of time or at the very least speak to her on the phone and reassure her in this way. If it is only a temporary issue I would ensue that the child knows that.

good to have you back RP!!

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RP replied on 31 Jan 2012 12:09 AM

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Cheers romeo2001, good to be back. I missed you guys