Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)
Horoscopes in other glossy magazines tell you that you are going to have a fabulous April. Your birthday will be brilliant, your love life stupendous and your money woes will disappear after a big bonus from Mr Taxman. Don’t believe them, they’re all fakers and cheats – after all we are a social work magazine and have your best interests at heart.
Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)
A month of spring cleaning of the house, the soul and the mind beckons. Hoover your carpets and clean your paintwork. Clear out the cobwebs of moral doubt. Stop seeing the ex who clings on to you even if it is only for a “drink” once a month. Blow away the dust on your case files and start looking through them, you never know what you might learn.
Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)
Tulips from Amsterdam keeps playing on your mind. Why?
Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)
With the full moon crossing Aries and Saturn entering the influence of the house of pleasure, it is time to book a holiday. Lately you have been known to lecture fellow workers about environmental disaster as your TV brings you pictures of icebergs breaking up and polar bears apparently stranded (actually they were just hanging about looking for seals to eat). This must not affect you. Go to Greece and sate your soul’s appetite for sun, ouzo and kebabs.
Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)
The financial year is coming to a close so your team has to spend its budget or face cuts again. Time to arrange the multi-agency seminar on robust protocols. Just make sure everyone on the team is in the know and can make the meal when you book the restaurant, otherwise someone may “blag” to the finance department.
Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)
A local newspaper hack has been bothering your department, phoning every week and asking awkward questions about cases long ago. You even overheard in a local pub, frequented by journalists, the words: “another Jersey”. You’ve done nothing wrong – so tell everything you know.
Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)
It is a time for dilemmas and tough decisions. As the Clash sang, Should I Stay or Should I Go? But the planetary aspects are pointing to the lyrics of an old Moody Blues hit, Go Now! A whole new world awaits if you can tear yourself away and seek pastures new as far as possible from the constraints of office life, perhaps in a more rural setting. Have you ever thought of working on Maggie’s Farm, as Bob Dylan would have said? Oh hang on, he didn’t want to work there, did he?
Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)
You are still recovering from April fool’s day, when one of your colleagues phoned up pretending to be the General Social Care Council and asking you about your past misdemeanours. Take the rest of the month off with stress to recover.
Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)
Who ate too many Easter eggs last month? You are now regretting it the zip on your best trousers won’t close and only your jeans fit. You have an important protection case coming up in court, and the judge already dislikes you, so you can’t turn up casually. Time for a crash diet.
Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)
Accept all invitations, you may be pleasantly surprised and might meet someone who will whisk you off your feet, possibly an Aries, Gemini or Capricorn. Steer clear of Sagittarians, even though the attraction is there initially, it will never work! Stop “accidentally” sending internet porn to people in your office.
Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)
A lovely month of surprises. A promotion, a pay rise or an appreciative word from the boss are all on the cards. Work colleagues will comment on how lovely you are looking and you are a force for good in the world. Wear flowers in your lapel just to reinforce the feeling of goodwill and whistle cheery songs.
Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)
With the rise of Jupiter in your sign, you will be feeling hopeful this week. It might be time to buy that winning lottery ticket. You will encounter someone who needs help, don’t walk past, be the good Samaritan, after all if you win the lottery you can spend all your money on them.