Cut-price condoms and cheap champagne

The Sun outdid every paper in making the yawnsome Budget a bit fruity. It crowned Gordon Brown “Chancellor of the Sex-chequer” in honour of his pledge of cut-price condoms and cheap champagne, adding: “The frisky Chancellor’s promises of passion earned him a new nickname…the Love Gord.” The paper also gave readers a low-down on what the less privileged in society would get from the Budget, illustrating pledges for pensioners with a picture of Dot Cotton and for single mums with Little Mo.

The Sun also reported that binge-drinking in mid-life triples the danger of dementia, according to experts. It warns that drinkers who down a bottle of wine or half a bottle of spirits once a month risk turning into Father Jack – the sozzled elderly priest in sitcom Father Ted.

The Daily Mirror reports that “hoodies” – the garment that has become a symbol of “yob” culture – have become part of a school’s uniform at Inverness High School.