Community Clairvoyance: the alternative horoscope for social workers

Gemini (May 22 – Jun 22)

In the words of Johnny Mathis you have “gone, gone, gone,” or as Gloria Gaynor sang: “Go on now, go, walk out the door.” Of course your departure was rather more mundane, some twiglets, crisps, nachos a few cans of beer and some wine an embarrassing speech from the head of department and an excruciating card. However, they’ll remember you for a long time, there’s the photocopy of your bum up on the wall, the one you did when drunk at christmas – and broke the copier.

Cancer (Jun 23 – Jul 23)

A service user walks into your office needing support. But they have an uncanny resemblance to a well-known singer who needs help with drink and drugs problems. They then tell you their name. It is obviously false and they admit to being broke and unable to afford the “Priory”. Professional dilemma: do you assess them and continue as if they are like any other service user or do you ring up the tabloids and sell the story for a few thousand. Go on, you could do with the cash, couldn’t you?

Leo (Jul 24 – Aug 23)

Stop lying in the sun all day or chasing antelopes. Eating raw meat gives you halitosis.

Virgo (Aug 24 – Sep 23)

You are asked to contribute to a book of proceedings on a social care conference you spoke at – it will look good on your CV and allow you to waffle for 5,000 words. You re-read your unreadable under-graduate essays in preparation.

Libra (Sep 24 – Oct 23)

You may be seconded to a dreary office in some forsaken place – think of Hull twinned with a soviet-style housing estate in a Siberian coalmining town. What price getting signed off by your doctor for six months until the threat has passed?

Scorpio (Oct 24 – Nov 22)

Sitting on the toilet at work you notice some unkind graffiti about you on the wall. On checking other toilets in the building you notice similar graffiti. Apparently, it’s the same with the opposite gender’s toilets as well. Who has been writing libellous and rude things about you, and why did your colleagues put rotting haddock in your drawer when you were away?

Sagittarius (Nov 23 – Dec 21)

The local disability action group has been playing a cruel joke on one of your colleagues. Apparently they have been complaining how their equipment prevents or hinders them from, wellthey then describe in explicit detail a series of sex acts several of which might be illegal. Just because your colleague is new in post and rather shy, doesn’t mean they can be bullied. Or, then again, you can add to the red-faceness by forcing them to recount the sordid details for an “incident report”.

Capricorn (Dec 22 – Jan 20)

Make sure you steer clear of the toilets on Ladies Day at the racesyou could end up in there all day! And don’t mix with the riff raff on that day either you have enough of that in your day to day life!

Aquarius (Jan 21 – Feb 19)

You have been invited to a masked ball for a charity night. Make sure you look after your dashing date on the night of the Ball, he’s a lot younger than you and you don’t want to give him the wrong idea. Take him to see the Sex and the City movie beforehand – he’ll get the idea.

Pisces (Feb 20 – Mar 20)

You can run but you cannot hide. The GSCC are catching up with you and like some ageing gun-slinger in the “old West”, you are tired of running. Should you turn yourself in or give it one last showdown?

Aries (Mar 21 – Apr 20)

At last, your team is the subject of a favourable story in the local newspaper. A feeling of wellbeing and warmth descends upon everyone as you even receive a brief visit from the director. Enjoy it, the inspectorate will be here soon.

Taurus (Apr 21 – May 21)

It’s that time of year again when you, dear Taurus, get to do what you love best: kickback and relax. After a busy six months with your horns to the grindstone you deserve a break so make sure you pack the sunscreen and a picnic, we all know how you bulls like hanging out in fields among the cowpats.