‘What I wish I had known about managing a difficult relationship with my supervisor’

by Sophie Baker

This is the fifth instalment in Sophie Baker’s ‘What I wish I had known…’ series, where she reflects on her approach to practice when she started out – and what she would tell her younger self now.

When I found myself struggling to connect with my new supervisor, I felt unsettled and unsure. I was left questioning all the things I had learnt to expect from our professional relationship.

Rather than leaving supervision less anxious and with a clear view of what would best benefit the child and their family, I was feeling incompetent, unclear and worried.

Looking back, there were several things that weren’t going well. Our sessions weren’t regular, with many being cancelled at the last minute. When they did happen, they were rushed.

My supervisor had very strong views and I was not given the space to discuss why I was worried about a child or what actions would promote strength and safety for the family. I often felt like she had already made up her mind about what should happen without really hearing me out.

She would say things like, ‘I’m surprised you didn’t know that’, or ‘I wouldn’t have done it that way’. It wasn’t outrightly harsh, but it left me doubting myself and gradually losing confidence.

At the time, I did not know how to improve things. I hesitated to seek advice, fearing judgment or being perceived as difficult.

Here are some key pieces of advice I would give my younger self today.

Understanding what good supervision looks like 

Sophie Baker has over 20 years of experience working in children’s social care

Back then, I didn’t have the experience to know what good supervision looked like. While part of me knew the session wasn’t meeting my needs, I just assumed this was how it was meant to be.

I wish I had known that a good supervisor positively challenges their workers’ views, beliefs and perspectives in a safe, non-judgmental environment. Good supervisors foster critical thinking by asking questions like, ‘What is going through your mind as you tell me about this child?’, or ‘How are you feeling about the way you managed that situation?’, rather than giving direct opinions or orders.

I would tell my younger self that when supervision is done well, it becomes an opportunity to safely build self-awareness by talking through our emotions, assumptions and biases.

No shame. No judgment. It is a space to think, challenge and be challenged in a way designed to nurture growth and help the practitioner recognise their strengths and developmental needs.

Understanding my role in supervision

It all starts by understanding what your responsibilities are within the supervisory relationship.

I dutifully signed several supervision agreements that were presented to me, often without properly considering their content.

I wish I had known how important it was to invest time thinking about the contract. The idea of discussing and altering its content based on our needs and expectations never occurred to me. If my supervisor thought it was coherent and accurate, that was good enough for me!

Talking through the contract would have helped me ascertain my supervisor’s responsibilities and allowed me to share what style of supervision best suited me. It would have likely also led to less conflict.

Thinking about what part I might be playing in the situation

In the early years of my career, I often assumed that others knew more than me. If something wasn’t working, it was probably my fault.

Part of it came from being newly qualified, still trying to figure things out and prove that I wasn’t a burden.

So, when supervision wasn’t working out, my instinct was to look at my own practice and behaviours and wonder what I needed to do differently to make it work.

The best advice I could give my younger self is that, while it was important for me to reflect on my part in the supervisor/supervisee dynamic, it wasn’t always my fault when things weren’t working.

Be brave – speak up

I never told my supervisor how I was feeling. I did not have the confidence at that time of my career so I simply endured the discomfort.

Eventually my supervisor moved away, which came as a huge relief, if I am honest. But looking back, I do regret missing the opportunity to have an open conversation.

I had so many questions whizzing round my head. Did we just have differing styles or was there a personality clash? Was I overly sensitive?

If I could advise my younger self, I would suggest having a private and pre-planned conversation at a mutually convenient time. I think we could have both learnt a lot from each other had I shared how I was feeling.

Putting my emotions aside

I often found myself feeling quite emotional as a newly qualified social worker.

I was still building my confidence, and being young and inexperienced only added to the pressure I put on myself.  If I could go back, I would put some of that emotion aside and focus on having a constructive conversation.

I would suggest using ‘I’ statements like, ‘I often feel unheard in our sessions’, or, ‘I feel criticised during supervision’, rather than ‘you’ statements to facilitate the conversation. This way, feedback would have been less likely to be regarded as an attack on my supervisor’s style.

Seek support from peers

I would also seek support and advice from my peers and practise these statements with them.

These could have been colleagues within my local authority or perhaps from wider online forums, although I would remind myself to think carefully about who I shared my concerns with.

However tempting it felt to have a rant and a moan, these conversations should not be an excuse to slag off my boss!

By keeping my approach respectful and curious, I would have given myself the best opportunity to learn and develop from the advice of my peers.

What if things didn’t improve?

It is fair to say that, even after sharing my feelings with my supervisor, things may not have improved.

If this had been the case, my self-advice would have been to seek out the grievance policy and write a formal complaint. This policy would have informed me of the process and my employer’s responsibilities in response to my complaint.

I could also have considered seeking advice from my union, whose role it is to represent, and negotiate better working conditions for, their members.

Escalating these types of issues is not easy and should always be a last resort. Had I needed to take this action, I probably would have been plagued by feelings of self-doubt and worrying about being considered difficult.

However, I wish I could tell my younger self that it is our professional right to receive regular, reflective supervision and meaningful management support in order to act ethically and stay grounded in our practice.

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