‘What I wish I had known about having difficult conversations with parents’

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by Sophie Baker

This is the sixth instalment in Sophie Baker’s ‘What I wish I had known…’ series, where she reflects on her approach to practice when she started out – and what she would tell her younger self now.

Looking back on my career, I often find myself reflecting on the difficult conversations I’ve had with parents.

I’ve had to talk to mothers about how to keep their children safe after disclosures of sexual abuse by other adults. I’ve tried to speak to parents about the risks to their unborn child of using drugs during pregnancy and explain to domestic abuse perpetrators their behaviour’s impact on their children’s emotional wellbeing and development.

But the conversation that comes to mind today is one many professionals have had and will have to have. That is explaining to parents that you have to make a court application for a care order.

What stands out to me, even now, is the gravity of these discussions.

Telling a parent that I believe their child would be safer in someone else’s care is not easy.”

A particular conversation I’m reminded of is with a young father, Dave, whose eldest child was being looked after in foster care after he was found with unexplained injuries.  When I had to tell him that his unborn child would have to be discussed at an upcoming initial child protection conference (ICPC), the conversation did not go smoothly.

Here is what I wish I had known about how best to have difficult conversations as a newly qualified social worker.

Prepare if you can

Sophie Baker has over 20 years of experience working in children’s social care

Social workers are not always able to prepare for difficult conversations because they are not always planned, and we need to respond to risk and worry as it is presented to us.

However, on this occasion, the conversation had been pre-planned, but I had not prepared well.

If I were having the conversation now, I would note down my key points to help me be clear with Dave about my worries for his unborn baby. I’d also remind him of what we had tried together to reduce the risk and what needed to happen now.

This probably seems obvious, but as he got angry, I got flustered, and this affected my ability to be clear.

Additionally, we would both have benefited if I had had a clearer understanding of the policies and processes linked to ICPCs.  He had many questions about the meeting that I couldn’t fully answer: like who would be there, what would be decided and whether he would have an opportunity to speak.

I didn’t know enough about the process to authoritatively give him the answers he needed.

Focus on how you are communicating

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Communicating well is a fundamental skill for social workers, but it isn’t always easy, especially when you are feeling nervous.

I would remind myself that communication is more than using words. It is in the way we speak, our facial expressions and our body language. At times, I think, my body language probably signalled I was panicking and out of my depth.

In hindsight, I needed to adapt my style by pausing or slowing down the conversation. He was very animated and raising his voice, so a break could have helped calm the situation.

I could have tried saying something like, ‘I can tell this matters to you, let’s take a minute to have some space to think’, or, ‘Let’s slow down so we can both hear each other’.

At times, in my panicked state, I also probably converted to using jargon and acronyms like ‘CP and CIN’ or ‘non-engagement’. My language likely only succeeded in confusing and excluding Dave.  Consequently, he got angrier.

I would also tell my younger self that listening is essential to good communication. I was so keen to explain to Dave what needed to happen, I didn’t take the time to listen to him. He needed to have his say, even if I didn’t agree with him.

I needed to be curious about his views and encourage him to explain his thoughts and feelings. He was the expert on his children.

Acknowledge that the conversation might be difficult

Over the years, I have found that the early acknowledgement of a difficult conversation helps.

How you set the tone matters. So I would now start with, ‘I need to talk to you about something that you may find difficult’, or, ‘I respect you, and I need to talk about something that you may find tough to hear’.

Such prompts can be helpful to show empathy and acknowledge that what is coming next may not be easy to hear.

Be aware of the power imbalance

Some families will have experienced oppression due to their race, gender, culture, religion or socio-economic background. We need to recognise the pre-existing power imbalance and seek to understand their identities and individual experiences.

With Dave, I should have taken a minute to consider how his experiences and influences guided his way of communication. Dave had been a child in care and I didn’t think enough about how powerless and mistrustful he must have felt in that moment.

I also should have been aware of how my own experiences had shaped my views and way of communicating. As an adult who was not care experienced, my background was very different to his.

I wish I had thought to say something that gently acknowledged the power difference between us.

Maybe I could have said: ‘I know this whole process might feel a bit one-sided, like professionals have all the say. But I will always do my best to keep things as open as possible by being clear and honest about my worries. If something I am doing doesn’t sit right with you, please tell me.’

It might have helped Dave feel fairly heard.

Keep calm

There have been many times in my career when the other person denied or disagreed with the issue I was raising.

On this occasion, Dave’s anger resulted in me feeling scared. I lost my train of thought, got defensive at times and was in danger of not mentioning certain issues for fear they might make him more cross.

I would remind myself that, sometimes, the person you are talking to won’t agree with you. It was important to take the time to explain my worries and reasoning, but it was also important to know when to end the conversation.

Without that, our discussion got increasingly heated, and it felt like we weren’t moving forward.

Celebrate those who’ve inspired you

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Do you have a colleague, mentor, or social work figure you can’t help but gush about?

Our My Brilliant Colleague series invites you to celebrate anyone within social work who has inspired you. Whether current or former colleagues, managers, students, lecturers, mentors or prominent past or present sector figures you have admired from afar.

Nominate them by filling in our nominations form with a few paragraphs (100-250 words) explaining how and why the person has inspired you.

*Please note that, despite the need to provide your name and role, you or the nominee can be anonymous in the published entry*

If you have any questions, email our community journalist, Anastasia Koutsounia, at anastasia.koutsounia@markallengroup.com

Remind yourself that difficult conversations are a must

While difficult conversations are a huge part of social work, there were times in my career when I was tempted to delay or avoid them.

However, I always knew that avoiding them could easily result in mistrust and confusion. In the worst-case scenario, the delay could cause further harm to children.

Maybe reframing ‘difficult conversations’ as ‘courageous conversations’ in my mind might have helped.

This subtle change in language might have reminded me that these conversations are an opportunity to advocate for children.

Difficult doesn’t mean unkind. In fact, handled well, with respect and empathy, they can be the most compassionate thing social workers do.

Lean on others for support

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The conversation with Dave left me feeling emotionally drained and like a bit of a failure.

I wish I had contacted my supervisor or called one of my peers, rather than internalising it. I know now that supervision would have helped me reflect on the conversation and explore some of the issues that influenced its result.

Difficult conversations never really get easier. But the more experience I’ve gained, the more I’ve realised just how important it is to get them right.

These interactions carry real weight. They affect people’s lives, their trust in professionals, and the safety and wellbeing of their children. It only makes sense that they require careful thought and consideration.