Recognising and responding to shame in child protection: key practice points

What is shame?

Shame is a very important concept to consider as it can often be at the root of many worrying behaviours in children and caregivers that social workers might encounter.

Shame has been described as a set of intense feelings, mainly concerned with an inner sense of feeling unworthy, unlovable, useless, and worthless. People cope and deal with shame in different ways, either by internalising, externalising or denying these feelings completely.

Shame-focused coping

The compass of shame model below (Nathanson, 1992) provides a starting point for understanding shame and behaviours that can develop because of it. This model illustrates four shame coping styles: withdrawal, attack-self, avoidance, and attack-other.

From Shame and Pride by D Nathanson (1992)

Examples of behaviours associated with the four coping styles may look like this:

Withdrawal

• Presenting in a depressed state and/or isolating themselves.
• Avoiding professionals and potentially being seen as ‘non-engaging’ or ‘avoidant’.

Attacking the self

• Putting themselves down and thinking of themselves as worthless.
• Using self-harming behaviours (this includes overeating and undereating).

Avoidance

• Presenting as though they are in denial.
• Behaviours that distract from feeling emotion, such as thrill-seeking or using/abusing drugs and alcohol (including prescription drugs).

Attacking others

• Lashing out verbally and/or physically, seemingly at random times.
• Being unable to take responsibility for their own actions and blaming others for any negative outcomes.

Access the full guide for more examples of behaviours that can present from shame-focused coping styles.

Working with shame

First, we have to recognise that families who become part of the child protection system often don’t have a choice about having services involved, so may well present a defensive response. Social workers and practitioners are therefore likely to witness shame-based coping styles and behaviours. In response, it is important to:

Be mindful of the language used

• Pay attention to the words and vocabulary that you use in assessments, case notes and direct work, as these can intensify feelings of shame.
• Avoid using too many acronyms and professional jargon – ensure the person you’re supporting understands and can relate to the words and phrases you are using.
• Ask yourself: ‘How does this use of language help to promote relationship-based practice in social work?’

Be aware of bodily responses and visual signs of shame

• Pay attention to body language and somatic presentations (eg is the person avoiding your gaze?).
• ‘Safety behaviours’ may signal shame (eg turning their face away, slumped posture, blushing, their mind going blank).
• Is there a repetitive somatic symptom that the person displays when discussing a specific topic (eg when discussing interpersonal experiences are they shaking their foot, playing with their hands, etc?)?
• Pay attention to who, where, and what children look at when you ask them a direct question.

If you recognise any sudden onset of the behaviours outlined above you can:

• Think about the conversation that occurred immediately before and ask yourself, ‘did I ask a question about a particular relationship?’ or ‘were they telling me a story about a previous relationship’?.
• Consider if the locations where you are having conversations trigger shame behaviours (ie home environment, sitting opposite each other). Try creating opportunities where eye gaze can be naturally averted, and consider having conversations in a different location that may be less intimidating (eg sitting in a park side-by-side rather than directly opposite each other).

The full guide on shame includes more information about how shame can present itself throughout childhood and the life course, along with the relationships between shame, guilt and survival. If you have a Community Care Inform Children licence, log on to see the full guide and read more detailed information.